?

Log in

No account? Create an account
saffron314
08 May 2006 @ 12:08 pm
man  
i wish there were more hours in the day...just for today...i have a shit load of stuff to do and i am freaking out about getting it all done. here is THE list

get out of work (only three and half more hours)
go donate a bunch of clothes to a battered woman's shelter in Wheat Ridge
write a paper (which is due by midnight tonight, my fault...i procrastinated)
do two assignments for my astronomy class (my teacher is allowing me to turn in some stuff so that i can pass the class, but won't let me retake the test from the fiasco the other night)
clean my disaster of a room (my brother moved in to our spare room, where all of my stuff was)
try to get to bed at a decent hour so that i can wake up and make it to work on time (which means...wake up at 5:15am)

i think i can get it all done, it is just a little overwhelming to think about right now, and some of the things may have to be taken out of the mix (i.e., clean room, donate clothes, get to bed early). that and i need the sun to do one of my astronomy assignments and it is raining outside...awesome. and the kicker is that i can't really get anything done at work because it is so busy today. apparently everyone gets sick over the weekend and have to call on monday...i have heard the ER is awful on mondays too.

so, i do wish there were more hours in the day, but if that were the case i would probably just have to work more hours or something stupid like that. ain't life grand? i am just waiting to get through this week and things will be SO much better. finals week is tough...and i am still having one when i am about to turn 25, which makes it even better.

i can't wait for Katie's wedding though...i get to see my girls. YEAH!!!

oh, and i feel cute today, which hasn't happened in a while, so it is awesome.

peace out yos!!!
 
 
Current Mood: stressedstressed
 
 
saffron314
06 May 2006 @ 07:46 pm
i was just taking a test for one of my online classes and i totally got kicked out of it. now i don't know if i will pass the class or not and that sucks my ass. i am SO pissed off and anxious about it now that i can't think about anything else. i just want to fucking get out of school. i feel like such a failure right now... and i hate it.
 
 
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
 
 
saffron314
04 May 2006 @ 07:47 am
i am more happy in this moment then i can remember being in over a year, how fucking sad it that?

anyway, i had a GREAT day yesterday. i worked, studied for my final, which i got an extension on due to the unforseen circumstances that i encountered over the last week, then i went to buy a present for a wedding i am attending at target (which means that i went in for a $35 item and walked out spending $90, target is evil, evil i tell you!!), i met up with some friends for dinner and a movie, then went home and crashed (well tried to at least, my brother is moving in with my mom and i, and was still moving in at 1am).

the other night was my first full nights sleep and it felt great. i did not think about anything doing with the ex, and i was so exhausted i just passed out, and it was nice. the same thing happened last night. i think i am passed the sad part of the grieving process and have moved right into the pissed of part of it.

it is interesting, but since i had my gynecology appointment and had my teacher work with me on my final i am not nearly as stressed over this whole breaking up thing. i mean, fuck it. he is obviously not the one for me if he couldn't help me through what was going on, instead of running away. i need and deserve a real man that will help me through everything whatever is going on with me and not shut off the "i love you" switch in the span of 5 minutes. i need a man who means what he says, and doesn't tell me the night before breaking up with me that they love me and want to be with forever. i need someone who will really love me unconditionally, because i still believe that that person is out there. alright, so i am not over it yet apparently, but i will get there, and i am doing MUCH better than i have in a while.

i am really excited because my boss is working with me and my schedule so that i can take some classes required to get into nursing. i am taking chemistry and here is what my weekly schedule will look like over the summer (see ex, i wouldn't have had time for you anyway... :P)...

m,w,f- work 7am-9:15am, chemistry 10am-12:15pm, work 1pm-6:45pm
t,th- work 7am-3:30pm, yoga 5-7:30pm

it will be a busy summer, but i don't want to date anyone right now, so, i don't really care that i will be busy. and when the semester is all over i am going to go see amber in boston, i need some amber time and it looks like she could use some melissa time. some really great things have come out of the breakup. it is time for me to concentrate on myself...i realized that i haven't gone more than a week without dating someone in about 11 months, which is not healthy. i want to be by myself right now and work on getting to know myself again. i want to get to know this exciting, fun, happy melissa that i have been for the last day...i love being this person...i want to be this person ALL the time.

peace out all!! i love you!!

oh, and hello Jackie...so glad you are still alive and doing well. if you want to email me i think that sienna has my email address, but i am so glad that you are on here...happy times!!
 
 
Current Mood: happyhappy
 
 
saffron314
02 May 2006 @ 09:49 pm
i had a bad day today. i had to go through an awful gynecological exam....it SUCKED!! they had to look at my cervix with a microscope thing, trust me...it was NOT fun. however, there is nothing wrong with me, so that was great news. and the day got better when my teacher gave me an extension on my final. she was very understanding about the fact that i had a lot going on and needed some extra study time. i am going to take it thursday. and after i talked to her i came home, rented a movie, and watched it...and for the first time i went 2 hours without thinking about keith, it may sound pathetic, but it was a VERY good thing for me. i can and will get over him. and i am actually ok with that right now. i mean, if he came around and starting asking me to take him back...i would definitely say no. he has hurt me more than anyone and i can never love him again. it is actually a relief to know that. and today, when i cried, i don't think it had much to do with him. the gynecology thing was freaking me out, and getting through it showed me that i can do anything. it showed me that i am strong and that i don't have to have anyone there to help me get through things. i am glad i listened to my boss and told keith to not come with me today...seeing him would have been awful. and luckily i know that i won't be seeing him tomorrow at work because i never see him at work unless he stops by the office, which i know for a fact he will not be doing. i am ready to move on. i am ready to study for finals, i am ready to finish school, i am ready to get my ass back to work every day, i am ready to hang out with my wonderful friends, i am ready to conquer the world, and i am ready to do it alone. if someone is there that is cool, but i don't need someone there, and to me that is a relief.

p.s. i really need to stop using the word program...it capitalizes everything for me and i have become very lazy...oh well

p.s.s. i love you amber, sienna, and ginger...my thoughts are with you...if you need anything, i am here!!

p.s.s.s. amber...i want to come to boston soon, we need to chat about that sometime.

p.s.s.s.s. sorry ev!!
 
 
saffron314
29 April 2006 @ 05:34 pm
i had the greatest night with my friends last night. i totally forgot how much fun i have with them. i have this tendency to forget about my friends when i get into a relationship, which is awful. i have learned a lot about myself through this whole thing, and while i am still sad, i am more motivated to fix the problems that i have with myself. i need to work on having more confidence in myself and on not allowing my first reaction to situations be the reaction that people see. things upset me really easily on first reaction, but after some thought i realize how rediculous i am and have a completely different reaction. i need to learn to step back and not let anyone see the first reaction, and only let them see the logical, thought out, less insane reaction.

i am having a good day too. katie and i hung out for a while this morning, just the two of us, which was so much fun. i am excited to be hanging out with my friends again, and i am not going to forget about them the next time i meet a guy that i really like. my friends are more important to me than that and i need to remember that a guy does not have to be my entire world. i am not going to do that again, it is bad for me and for the guy. i have my own life, they have their own life, and we will have our life together, but we don't have to be each others everything, because that is just not healthy. "hind sight is 20/20," i wish i could have seen these things before i fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me. but, at the same time, i am not going to let it ruin me either. it ended and that is okay, my world is not going to end because of it, and i am a better person because of what it has taught me.

i still love keith, and i probably always will, in some form or another, but as they say...."everything happens for a reason!!"
 
 
Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: absolutely nothing that will make me cry
 
 
 
saffron314
27 April 2006 @ 01:17 pm
i am sitting at work after a hard night. my boyfriend broke up with me and i have done nothing but cry from the moment this happened. i have never loved someone the way i loved him and it breaks my heart to know that he no longer wants to love me. it's especially hard because he is the one i have talked to for the last two months, and now i am being told that i can't talk to him. i have a scary ob/gyn appointment on tuesday that he is going to go with me to because i need someone there. he told me point out that we can't talk until then because "I" need to get over this. not because we both need to get over this, but because i have to. and i don't know if it is just because i am emotional or what, but it seems as though he doesn't even care that this is happening. he talked to me to my face about not talking to each other for a while and he seemed annoyed by my reactions. i am upset, am i supposed to hide that? am i supposed to just let this guy that i love so much walk out of my life? i want to fight, i want him to still want to be with me, but it really doesn't look like that is going ot happen. it seems as though he gotten completely over me and is completely over this whole situation. he now just seems annoyed by the fact that he still has to "deal" with me. when i just saw him he did nothing but roll his eyes at me and seem annoyed. he whisphered i'm sorry to me as he left, but it didn't seem genuine, and i told him he wasn't sorry and that he didn't care, which i don't really believe, but am feeling as though that is the case. he went from ubber nice guy to only wanting me out of this life. i want him to just tell me what is going on, and not be secretive with me. he just wants me gone and he honestly hasn't even given me a real reason as to why yet. this is all very upsetting to me and i can't control my emotions at all, the tears just keep coming. i have never loved anyone as much as him, and i can honestly say that i have never been this sad and upset in my life.
 
 
Current Mood: sadsad
 
 
saffron314
16 April 2006 @ 01:34 pm
my friends have things going on with them that i know nothing about and that makes me sad. one friends was having problems with her fiance that i didn't know about until the last minute, another friend has a sick parent (which i found out about on here), and it makes me think...i am not there for them or are we just beyond that point in our lives where we need our friends to cope with things. we all pretty much have significant others at this point and seem to be rellying on one another less and less. i am pretty sure that is a part of life, but i am sad that it is happening when we are all so young. i guess that i just wish my friends still needed me because god knows i still need them. however, i have gotten to the point where i think i am being a burden if i get a hold of them when i have a problem, i mean they have their own lives, do they really have the time or energy to help me with mine?

and i know that i could have used one these past two weeks. i have been stressed to the max and taking it out on my poor boyfriend, who does nothing but be kind and love me. i didn't even realize what i was doing...being mean to him, instead of noticing that something was bothering me. i feel as though a friend would have pointed this out to me. i don't know if i should just start to learn to deal with these things on my own or if i can give a friend a call when i feel like i am going to put my fist through a wall.
 
 
Current Location: work
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: mix cd from my boyfriend's itunes